Things I learned from the marvelous Eddie Izzard

~Wikipedia is the world's best source for jokes. Its creators live in a toilet.
~God's first name is John.
~The word "assassin" comes from the ancient word "hashashin" as a result of the ancient hunters doing drugs, such as opium or hashish, before going out a' killing.
~Their were three sets of the Ten Commandments. The first one contained commandments such as "Thou shalt never piss on a toaster." Moses thought this was silly. The second ones were cowritten by squirrels. The third set only had nine commandments, but then, because God wanted a tenth, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ox" was added. (Thou shalt not COVER thy neighbor's ox makes more sense: covering an ox could be downright annoying.)
~The first paparazzi consisted of tapestry makers.
~When in doubt about which of Henry IIX's wives were beheaded, consult Wikipedia, because Wikipedia is ALWAYS right.
~The vikings invented words like "kiosk" and "yogurt". So, when they were bored with raping and pillaging, they would sell said yogurt at said kiosks.
~A giant squid chronicled his trip aboard Noah's boat from a bathroom. His partner was strapped to the roof.
~How kings were made among cavemen: A man cut of an animal's skin (the animal didn't mind) and wore it proudly, despite the flies.
~The pilgrims, when coming from England, decided to start calling trolleys gurneys (after a character in Dune) and decided that a trolley would be a street car. They rode the rest of the way across the Atlantic in a trolley and then adapted really odd accents.
~Every civilization has periods in which they are "bat shit crazy." The Germans just happened to do it all at once between 1933 and 1945.
~How to disprove intelligent design: 1.) We have an appendix, and since we've been created, we've not eaten a blade of grass. 2.) A cow has four stomachs. 'Nuff said. 3.) We poo. Poo makes disease.
~You can psychologically win a game of tennis by changing the "bizarre sex"-esque noises made when hitting the ball. So, instead of going, "Ooh! Aah!" over and over again, shake things up by going, "Eee! Oh! Zap! Bang!"
~How a giraffe deals with a tiger: The giraffe will cough until his other giraffe buddy sees the tiger as well. Then, all of the giraffes will line up, one behind the other. The one in front will act French. Then, the tigers will be so confused that they've gone from Asia to Africa to Europe so quickly that they will leave. If this fails, the giraffe will use a chair. At worse, the tiger will become stuck in the chair. But he makes a lovely seat for the rest of the tigers.
~You are not witty if you shout at Eddie that he is an executive transvestite, nor are you witty if you finish his jokes (as with the yogurt selling kiosk. He will tell you to shut up and make everyone laugh at you.)
~Darwin translated a work from Latin to, "Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, US!"
~Perhaps God should have put a note in the front cover of the Bible saying, "By the way, it's ROUND."
~If Eddie was God, we'd all be vegetarian and not want to kill anything. Maybe our appendix would be put to use!
~A torch, no matter how old, will always work no matter what.
~This is tightly scripted.
~This is also tightly scripted.
~This is also tightly scripted.
~Eddie can conduct the crowd's cheering. (Seriously, it was brilliant. XD)
~As long as it makes you happy, who really cares?
~In Eddie's head, The Riches comes on at nine (actually comes on at ten).
~We're all just a bunch of groundlings.
~SUPERBUS!
~Eddie STILL doesn't know why on earth he told us what a superindentent was.
~Eddie's pro-Obama.
~God color-coded the planets.
~Mercury is insane.
~God lives on the dark side of the moon with Pink Floyd and Darth Vader.
~In the time that it took God to create the earth, badgers learned French. They will not eat creme bruelle.
~Eddie likes his Lord of the Rings.
~Jesus refers to God as "Dad" and thinks he's off his rocker for making dinosaurs.
~The same squid that hung out in Noah's tub was the one that held back the Red Sea.
~Noah first built a mathematical arc, decided it wouldn't work, and built a boat instead.
~The Ancient Egyptians died in a car crash: they ran into a tree.
~Stones used to be high tech.
~When people went from hunting/gathering to farming, they lost much sexiness. The only sexiness that might have shown was when they might have to chase someone down to protect their barley.
~"Don't lie, Jimmy!" "But, Mum! You lie all the time! You lie every time you click 'yes' on reading the terms and conditions!" "Yes, but that's a grown-up lie!"
~How to Confuse the Hell out of Einstein: Go to get iTunes update. It will download. 5 MINUTES UNTIL COMPLETE. 4 MINUTES UNTIL COMPLETE. THREE MINUTES UNTIL COMPLETE. 4 MINUTES UNTIL COMPLETE. SIX MINUTES UNTIL COMPLETE. NINE MINUTES UNTIL COMPLETE. ONE MINUTE UNTIL COMPLETE. THREE MINUTES UNTIL COMPLETE. DONE.
~How Einstein Proved Relativity: You go to a trainstation. You get on a train. Your uncle is at the stop. You both have different clocks, but it's okay: it's all relative. Wait, I lost my train of thought...
~God should have given us all a banana.

That's all I remember right now...But it was brilliant! XD I love Eddie Izzard! I think we even saw his limo. We didn't get to meet him or anything, but it was still cool. I breathed the same air as him! Mandy and I nearly hyperventilated. XD I looked at Mandy and said, "Wow...I feel like I just did something major, like lose my virginity or something," to which she replied, "You did!"

Wow.

I'm still buzzing.

Much love for Eddie! I don't agree with everything he says (not by a longshot!), but the main goal I'm pretty sure he has in mind--besides making us laugh--is to make us think. And think I did! ^_^

I'd love to do it again.