When I dream, I dream of you...

I don't know if it's wish fulfillment. I don't know if he's really visiting me. I just don't know. But the truth is, whenever I feel really lonely, I dream of Freddie Mercury. This isn't an every-night occurance; I'm rarely lonely. I'm constantly surrounded by friends, family, etc., but sometimes...I don't know.

And last night, he visited me again. If I'm not mistaken, this is the seventh time. I know I sound like a sap, but I just wanted to get it off my chest.

I dreamed about Freddie Mercury. And this time, it was the most wonderful, beautiful, sad dream I've ever had of him. He was in his prime and dressed in that white satin suit from the Bohemian Rhapsody music video. He had just finished running around stage, performing with intense vigour, when he came to this plain room. Brian was standing in the corner, Roger was off somewhere, and I'm not sure where John was; I think they were supposed to record something. Freddie looked at me and gave me this heart-melting smile, and began to deteriorate in front of my face.

He looked sick, weak, like he did in '91, right before he died. He was panting, sweating, and desparate to cool off.

Some nameless, faceless someone came up to him and undressed him (no, this dream was NOT explicit, this is just what happened) down to his shorts. As soon as this had happened, Freddie collapsed on his back on the floor. I stood helplessly, watching him. All he did was smile at me.

And then he began to sing.

"You will remember-
When this is blown over
And everything's all by the way-
When I grow older
I will be there at you side to remind you how I still love you-
I still love you."

The whole time, he never broke eye-contact with me, looking at me from the flat of his back.

I went to him, kneeling by his side, and took his hand in mine. He was so thin, so skinny; I could see his bones...

He was slowly leaving me, dying before my eyes.

He then said, "I still love you."

And all I could do was answer: "I love you, too."

Then I woke up. I guess my mind didn't want to watch him actually die. (Which I am grateful for.)

And I started thinking, once I woke up: What if Freddie really is the love of my life? My mother told me a few days ago that she seriously thought that Freddie wasn't a celebrity crush to me, but my first love. I couldn't argue; how could I? I'm not trying to be melodramatic; this is a major thing for me to come out and admit this. Yeah, you probably knew that I loved Freddie, but the extent of that loving is something that I've tried to hide. I know he's dead. I know I'll never get to see him; it's killing me to just type that. But I have to get this out. I don't know...I'm not looking for advice or sympathy, I just want it in print.

And I know there are other people out there that feel the way I do. I know there are other people that idolize Freddie more than I (however scary a thought that may be). But I hurt for him. I love him. And I'm starting to get scared; what if there's no one out there for me? What if my one shot at love died before I was even born? Is this why I haven't been able to find anyone? The reason why none of the guys at my school are "good enough," why I feel like I have to "settle"? And, even scarier yet, I wonder if I even want to find someone else.

I know it probably won't help anything to get this out, but maybe it will. Maybe if I stop hiding the extent of my love for this man, maybe it'll help me. I don't know...I can't even write this without having to get up and go bawl my eyes out.

Am I proud of this? No. I'm kind of ashamed, actually. I'm not an emotional person; I'm usually either one of two things, mellow or hyper. And why should the man that I'm the most emotional about, that I care more about than so many others, be someone that I've never even met? I think that's what hurts me the most, the fact that I never met him. I never got the chance to talk to him, feel his touch, hear his laugh. It's unfair. You have NO IDEA how much I envy Mary Austin, his best friend and one time girl friend. No idea whatsoever. I wish no harm on her at all, I just envy her. I don't hate her; I'd love to meet her, talk to her, find out what he was like, what it was like to be with him.

I know this is a very long entry; you don't have to read all of it or anything. I've just had it on my chest for a long, long time. I thought it would get better, that I'd stop crying over him, that my feelings for him would fade like every single other of my crushes have faded (and eventually, disappeared). But it hasn't. It's only grown. Sure, I can distract myself from it, whether it's with music or other guys or what, but in the end, it always comes back to Freddie.

I don't even know why I'm writing this, really; I just read through it, and the words seem to pale in comparison to what I feel. Like they can't get it across. I guess that's a good thing; some things are meant to stay private. But it's kind of frustrating; I take pride in my writing, I'm spilling my guts out, and I can't even get across the intensity of what I feel for him...I guess some things just can't be put down in words.

Alright, I'm about to start getting redundant, and I'm pretty sure that you're sick of hearing me moan and groan. I'm going to go ahead and sign off. Adios, and I love you all. Thanks for bearing with me; I'll probably regret posting this later.